Nick

When I called my Dad yesterday to wish him a happy birthday, he was en route to the dog park, on the golf cart, taking Nicholas (their miniature poodle) to go to the bathroom. Now Really. ....What other dog do you know that gets a chauffeur driven ride to the dumper? I asked him if he was required to wear a chauffeur hat and if Nick did, on occasion, bark out "Once around the block, Jeeves". No wonder this dog finds it beneath him to take a walk to relieve himself. Often, my dad is exasperated because the dog will not move at all. Most dogs look forward to a walk. They relish it! Nick, instead looks down his nose, and waits for his transportation to arrive. You know that once they get to Pearl Lake, (the summer spot) the man is going to have to physically carry the dog. So for any of you who wonder exactly who wears the pants in that family...I would have to say the only one who doesn't wear pants at all. Hats off Nick...you have done a better job of whipping that man into shape than my Mom, my sisters or myself.

Dog Gone

I woke up this morning looking just like Bill the Cat from the old cartoon series Outland. This is attributed to several things, namely the last hellish 36 hours, lack of sleep and still maroonish hair. After the 6 hour drive with my irascible niece and chain smoking sister, visit to Walmart and all day irritation, the evening was capped with a hefty dose of SHOOT ME. My only solace, lately, has been my pc. Save for that I would already have jumped. My sister insisted on watching the movie 2012....what a waste of time. 475,000 near death experiences by several main characters in just under 2 hours. Brilliant. Then in her sheer awe and absorption of said movie, allowed my dog to consume an entire roast. So great. Now I have to do all the dishes from the disappearing dinner, My dog has been back to the yard making several more unneeded deposits (which are accompanied by fragrant bursts of gas and breath that could set fire to asbestos) and I had peanut butter and pickle tortillas for supper. The perfect end to the perfect day always makes perfect sense.

Big Bad Day

Do you ever have a day when it seems the entire world has crawled up your rear end and is stirring something akin to diarrhea? I have had zero sleep, drove 6 hours to retrieve my niece from her father (we have to..it is court ordered) listened to all 18 of her personalities fight with each other all the way home, then had to deal with the idiocy of walmart loonies. Scary. My niece had a birthday and we bought her a bike. So here is where the sheer embarrassment really kicked in. Whenever my sisters car door opens, the garbage that spills out, spurs a rendering of the theme song from Sanford and Son. If you remember, they owned a junk yard. Buh, buh, bunnah.. So loading the bike in front of the busiest place on earth I was able to showcase the overflowing cigarette butts, empty pop cans and random accumulated garbage that makes my sisters car look like an episode of Hoarders. The icing on the cake was just an hour prior, my pants had torn due to long wear (they are my favorite) and I had to strategically arrange my shirt and purse to avoid flashing the public. Add to that my newly maroon colored hair and sleepless, vacant stare. I don't think a beer is gonna do it. I need a xanax!

Neighbors

My neighbors have been up all night pounding and banging. Sounds like they are building either a jungle gym or a meth lab. Either way, fun for the kiddies this summer! Who does that at 2 AM? I have to say that they are, for the most part tolerant, as our yard always looks like it could be hiding a car on blocks and theirs is immaculate. We had a run in with the folks one house over, because Mason Dixon (my standard poodle) had the courtesy and foresight to use their yard as his daily deposit area. Boy, his aptitude for judging people is incredible. As a result, we have kept him tied and very soon discovered that shit really does roll downhill, and then piles into a huge smelly lump until someone picks it up. Bummer. So after some time, I buckled down, bought a pooper scooper and went to town. As I was putting my tools away, I glanced at the neighbors house and.. in their back yard.. I noticed something white and large and as I got closer, realized it was their old toilet that they had removed weeks ago. They had upped the ante. Their shitter beat our shit hands down!

Photos

Some of our family pictures were just laughable! My Dad was always the one taking the pictures and his timing was always off by a second or two, resulting in hilarity. The one I remember the most is our family's final step in filling the pool. As this was a christeneing of sorts, my Mom asked my dad to grab the camera. As we prepared for this momentous event, (because we wanted to POSE!) the photo was snapped with my mom tucking in her shirt, me picking my nose, Brooke on her butt as she fell into the icy cold water and reacting screamingly and Tiffany, of course, biting her arm. I thought this should have been enlarged and displayed because it was the essence of our family photos before and after. Sure, we often had a professional photographer capture a moment, but most were embarrassingly realistic. The one I titled "The Birthday Gift" was a close up shot of Tiffany's kitten, a B-day present, only it was from the wrong end, at close view and practically clinical in detail. To this day, I have a cats rear end burned into my retina. Maybe that's why I am a dog person! Love ya Pop! Thanks for the endless giggles!

Dysfunction

I must have these memories from childhood for a reason. Most of them are pleasant enough and just too hilarious not to share. Like the time my dad was bringing in a birthday cake for my sister. Since she was born on Feb 15, we always kinda had a valentines theme. This cake was a layered double chocolate killer in the shape of a heart. Maybe it was fate, or maybe putting the Law of Attraction into motion..but just as my Mom hollered.."Whatever you do Al, don't drop the cake!" I turned around to see the thing tumble (slow motion mind you) to the garage floor. We had a lot of moments like that. Our family was very average in the fact that wacky was the norm. I remember my mom telling me that ninety percent of families are dysfunctional, and breathing a sigh of relief because I really thought ours was the only one who had a 3 year old who bit her own arm. She did this at least 3 times a day, for attention, to quell a rising rage, or just to make a point . She even posed for pictures that way. It was normal to see self inflicted bite marks on her forearm as she scampered off to school. They were usually matched up with a flow of tears or a solid red glare. Since drawing attention to drama caused more of it, I was resigned to shake my head and be grateful she wasn't biting me. Thank's for caring enough Tiff, and only biting the ones you love!

High Anxiety

Why do people self sabotage? I know I do it. A lot. They say it is some deep feeling of inadequacy or being undeserving. I know this started early with me...My very first most embarrassing moment was snowmobiling with my Uncle Butch. He was going to let me drive the thing, and I was so excited, I left without him. I must have been very small because the panic I caused was tremendous. I remember turning around to see his arms flailing and him running so fast that by the time he caught me his face was red and he was breathless. I know that I didn't leave him on purpose, but for some reason my mind kept playing that scene over and over and giving me reason to cringe! Unfortunately, this was not my last huge anxiety causing issue. They have now manifested in a way that I really do need to be medicated just to function. Love that Paxil! I think this may be genetic because it goes against my very nature to take responsibility for anything. Unbelievable!

Easter

Happy Easter Y'all! My very first memory of Easter is me at four years old asking my Mom where the Easter Bunny could have possibly stashed my chocolate and jelly bean filled verification of human existence..and to my great surprise, the woman knew THE VERY SPOT! Realize, that I had not equated the she was the Easter Bunny, Santa and the Tooth Fairy combined! ( My Dad, who I love dearly, was not as fully supportive of my youthful fantasies... He was, ironically, fascinated with television before cable was even invented...and that is a completely different blog! The man can watch golf..........scary!) As I reached my teenage years, is it any wonder that they had a hard time living up to that previous glory? Not to mention that I had become a spoiled little snit who made my parents daily lives a living hell. So when I think of Easter, I think of the perpetual pedestal that I put my parents on, and how they tried to live up to that kind of adulation, and that they love me as I love them, and for that I am endlessly grateful. Parents really are the greatest gift. Happy Easter everyone! Mostly, hugs and kisses to my mom and pop. You really are the best!

Wigs

Ok.. so I am fast approaching the ripe old age of 46. Not a huge milestone for most, but for a single woman (who is more likely to be killed by a terrorist than married ) kinda crucial! I did survive stage 3c cancer (ovarian) not so scary as mostly I just kinda ignored it happening. Ignorance is bliss, as they say, and mostly I enjoyed not shaving, and doing my hair by pulling it off the sink and plopping it on. Just a word...portable hair is highly flammable....so try not to lean too far into the oven or blow the candles out at close range. The retaliating smoke detector really set the pets off, and the smell almost knocked me out! So the good news is cancer doesn't always kill.......wigs do, can, and will if the mood strikes. Fear not the disease...fear the aftermath. Ok, so wigs aside.. if you or a loved one is stricken with cancer, or anything that is counter-productive in your life,..and wish to contact me...I would be more than happy to share my experience. If you believe, you can and will achieve wellness...hugs to all. Heidi